Thursday, June 14, 2007

a post from the past aka the classics subtitled better than i've ever been

Okay, anyone remember xanga? I found my old one, and I'm not going to give you the address because it's entirely the writings of an extremely hormonal kid who had no clue what he was doing. But I did find a couple pretty good entries which will be filler when I run out of ideas on this blog. So here's one about dentists, enjoy!

I'm beginning to be highly suspicious of dentists. Okay, I am suspicious of anyone who, for a profession, chooses poking people in various body cavities or parts. But, Dentists especially... I mean, I don't think they do anything for anyone that doesn't have bleeding gums (They also have a habit of giving these to people... more on that later), cavities, or general tooth decay. First, at the dentists, you sit in a chair similar to the ones used when experimenting on animals. Not that I'd know.... dang it. Scratch that last part. But, then you get laid back, and a handy assistant comes to talk to you about your life, gives you candy and has a great time! Oh wait, that's a toned down bachelor party. Please excuse me. Really, an assistant comes and talks about stuff, then pokes you in the mouth with a piece of metal. Now, I have a question. If dentists encourage flossing and brushing, why are they poking us in the mouth with metal objects? That just doesn't seem to follow.

Okay, then the lady asks you what flavor you want for the polishing of your teeth. I imagine teeth get dirty very quickly, because I have never seen my teeth shiny. I suppose this is one thing dentists do to confuse people: tell them they are going to polish their teeth, and then people flip when they don't shine, so they go pay for expensive toothbrushes, teeth whiteners, shoe buffers, etc. But yes, then she puts your selected flavor (fun fact: all the flavors are exactly the same. You just think it is caramel apple.) On a whirring equivalent of a shoe polish applier, and proceeds to talk to you, this is rather unintelligent. If you try and talk while you have your mouth open for a long time, you notice that water builds up, and when you try and talk, "gleeking" occurs, generally right into the assistants face (or at least, if you're aiming for it). Even after the first five times, she doesn't get that if she asks you how old you are, she's going to get a faceful of spit. Maybe they've become numb to it. Maybe they're brainwashed in assistant's school.

I love how they make comments about how your teeth look. Why? Because every visit it's the same exact thing. "Well, it looks like you have fillings on your molars." I really couldn't thank her enough for pointing out what is on my little sheet of paper of what goes on at every check up. She then writes that down on my new check up sheet. She notes that the fillings have been worn away, and she'll have to refill. I don't think she got that that was what happened last time, and the time before that. Perhaps you should try something other than wasting my money?

I love the logic... you've got parts of your tooth missing, so we're going to put this non-tooth stuff in your tooth to make up for it. Then, when they put it in, they stick a giant radiation gun right in there just to make sure the sealant will harden. It's really comforting to hear two people discussing whether the twenty second mark is two beeps of the gun or three. I even told them (with violent gleeking) it was two. I mean, it doesn't make sense that it would be three! That's like asking if the penny candy is a quarter. Real comforting. Then, they have the nerve to send in another guy to poke at my teeth. He does it more quickly and professionally, and I wonder; why couldn't they send him in first? Lots less bleeding. Then, they ended with the classic keep brushing. No flossing comment this time though. I guess by not flossing very enthusiastically, I got them to give up. Hah! I win again.

No comments: