Saturday, December 31, 2005

Things That are Always Funny Pt. Duex

*note: there was a better version of this, but I lost it whilst spellchecking, so it's really just OK funny and not pee your pants funny*

This is the second part in a three part series, but this second part actually contains both the second and third parts.

Midgets. Dangit man, they make some movies. I'm not meaning to bag on them, I honestly love midgets: they're awesome, and I wouldn't mind being one just because it would give me an excuse to be bitter. But seriously, midgets are like comedy magnifiers. They take okay humor and make it hilarious. Imagine, if you will, a person trying to reach the top of the refrigerator, and just barely making it. Now, imagine that same person is a midget. The humor is multiplied!

The best movie example for this is Austin Powers. That series was horrible, and had you removed Mini-me, it would have been basically the worst comedy of all time, without question. Midgets simply make the comedy more than it can be on it's own. Comedic steroids, anyone?

and Pt. 3 is food related, because food humor almost everyone can relate to. Vegetables, man, they make the funniest foods. Carrots, zucchini, tomoatoes (to those of you who say tomatoes are a fruit, I say that, no: you are the fruit) all make for great hilarity, but not along. They simply replace an object in a scenario, or they can work as punch lines, thusly:

"No man, I said carrot, not parrot!"

Well, more other stuff later... but thus ends the things that are always funny series

"You mean the tomato goes in the blender?"

"I never said I would love you, I just loved your fried okra."
and the classic,

"That's no xucchini, that's my wife!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Things That are Always Funny Pt. 1


I dunno why, but when you put any set of twins in a situation, be it grave, strange or impossible, they take it and twist it and add just a hint of that twin magic to turn it into hilarity. It's really one of the least known topics in comedy: why do two people who look alike (note: fraternal twins are NOT funny) cause so much ruckus, yet remain still lovable? What is it about nearly identical DNA that incites laughter when placed on screen or stage or in a book?

My theory is this: people can't follow both. They get confused, and think that twin one (A) and twin two (B) are the opposite. E.g. A runs around the back of the house, and B runs upstairs. When the audience pays attention again, they see that the two of them have magically switched places. That's comical to people because they don't understand: a 15 year old kid can't jump up to a second story ledge! That's just ridiculous, and they laugh.

The other thing is: triplets are also funny. Always. Sometimes twins can be just slightly funny, but triplets are always roll on the floor kind of laughter. There is no known explanation for this. Quadruplets and up are not funny. They are in fact, the antithesis of comedy. They are what make up inspirational stories and lame TV specials. Some mom has octoplets, more at 11. NO ONE CARES. Triplets go on murderous rampage: now that's comic gold. Comic platinum even.

More things that are always funny later.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Bit of Background

Basically, I just wanted to post stuff here that I inda wish I had done. Not for pity, just because it's nice to type. Plus, some of it will be in jest. I'll try and make the jest and seriousness plain as night and day.

I really wish I had taken English I in summer school so I didn't have such a tight schedule right now. That way I could be in English four this year and not have to go to summer school to graduate early. That would have been nice.

I wish I had taken the ACT earlier. That way I could know if I get into BYU in a week, instead of four. I know that seems like a not big amount of time, but when you get down to being nervous and waiting, four weeks is longer than having to hold it in the car because the next rest stop is another five miles.

I wish I had taken piano at an earlier age and stuck with it till about now, so I could do just independent stuff and actually have been really good at piano instead of just really bad with some glimpse of talent. I also want to go back in time and convice my five year old self to get really into music theory.

I think I should have come up with the concept of MorMan, the Mormon superhero a long time ago. I also wish I had artistic talent to make it into a comic of some type and sell.

I should have learned how to swing dance. I still can, but I just don't care enough to.

in lieu of have anything else to do... here ya go.

New Year's Resolutions.
I resolve to:
1. Liberate Disneyworld from little children.
2. Force the metric system on Western Pennsylvania
3. Buy a minimum of 3 feather boas, one pink.
4. Adopt a road in New Jersey, and then tell all of my friends I've named it after them.
5. Punch every former member of the Mouseketeers in the face, along with Regis Philbin. And maybe the "It's a small world" children.
6. Write a bestselling political novel and then sell the movie rights and dissapear.
7. Read a bestselling policital novel so I know how to write one.
8. Xerox a best selling political novel, replace "Republicans" with "Democrats" and vice versa.
9. Find a succesful cure for "LOLopalooza"
10. Rewrite the pages of history, starting with grafittiing stonehenge.