Monday, February 05, 2007

Urgent Announcement

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is going to blow. This book is going to be the biggest letdown in all of publishing history. It will leave us more questions than it answers, and it will be a terrible end to the series. But you know what? J.K. Rowling knows this. I know this, and now you, by reading this know this. Don't understand? As Stephven Colbert would say, "Don't worry baby birds. I'll feed you."

Reasons why it will be terrible

1. It ends what has been a great series. Just ending the series is going to take it down ten notches. No one wants to see this end, especially the people who make the movies and print the books. But, it will end, and we will all hate it. Maybe not out loud, but inside we will wish Harry had gone to Wizarding Graduate School. And brought Hermoine. But left Ron.

2. There's so much anticipation for this book, there's no way it can live up to the hype. It's got too much to answer (spoiler alert)- What's up with Snape? What's Harry gonna do now? Is he finally going to find love/ be a man/figure out everything? Will Ron please die? What is the seventh thingy for Voldemort? More stuff about Harry's Scar, more stuff about everybody and everything- literally every answer we have has to be answered in this book, or someone will complain, guaranteed.

3. She's running out of things to do. She's richer than the Queen. Do you think her money feeds some kind of innovation oven in her head? Nope. She had a great last book, doing the best thing no one thought would happen, but now she's got no where to go. I'll give you a hint though: Harry doesn't die. Everybody is expecting it, which means, they're trying to predict her so they say, "Well then she won't kill him if we're expecting it, but if we're expecting that then..." and so on. But here's the news: he's not going to die. Why do I say this? Simply because that would be the worst way to end this series, and this isn't one of those eastern European films where the main guy dies and it's cool. She's writing for Americans and Americanized UK kids. They're not used to the important people dying, and killing Harry would put out any possibility for a movie version.

4. Even if it's not terrible, it won't be progressively better. Look at the difference between Order of the Phoenix and Half-blood Prince. There's no way we can get another great leap like that. No way in the world.

Now, I'd love for J.K. to prove me wrong. And if I am, I'll gladly eat my words. You can print them out and I'll eat the paper they're on. But, with my low standards, it'll be even better for me if it is good, or less terrible if it is (as it will most likely be) terrible.


Nate said...

have you eaten your words yet?

Dan the Echo Boomer said...

Yes. Yes I have.