beatnik poem

Oh, Muses! Forgive me
I have found one for whom
You can provide no words
Yet I need thy guidance
For my tongue is weak
Though no words suffice
My love can, put it into words
The eyes are the body's cavas
upon which every emotion
is written and seen
one stroke at a time
the golden gates are open wide
come find out
no need to run
opportunity is in love
and love is in life
muses, forsake my mind not
Love for a new future
Dreams ended the hopeful past

Post #54 (I'm sick of creative titles)

Wow. Last night was the DT Invitational. I went with Erica Newell. It was amazing beyong expression.



:^)

Insomnia.

I didn't sleep sunday night. Here's an excerpt of what I wrote:

Insomnia has hit me like a ton of bricks and I hate this so much all I can do is look at myself and think that I'm going to give up on trying to sleep for a long time.
I'm sick. Sinuses are clogged up or something- I really don't know because I've never had sinus problems before. Could this be sinuses? Probably. I can't blow my nose or even sniff right.

So Sunday night was not fun. What was even less fun was Monday morning, where I apparently took a math test, of which I have no recollection. But, I got a perfect score, so that's pretty awesome. The rest of the day was a blur- I saw a friend from back home who was visiting but thought he was a hallucination. I found out later through another friend that he wasn't a hallucination, and I saw him again yesterday and apologized for whatever behavior I displayed.

I'm better now though, so cool.

A Poem I've Been reading several times a day

Bullfight critics ranked in rows
Crowd the enormous plaza full
But only one is there who knows
And he's the man that fights the bull

I will fight the bull.

I Had a Dream...

This is pretty significant. I don't often have dreams, and the ones I do have I only remember a few bits and pieces and I try and fill out the details. For example, I somewhat recall a dream where I was hiding under a counter in a bowling alley because the FBI had come in and for some reason were shooting at the bowlers (here's where it gets hazy, and I'll put what I seem to remember in parentheses) because of... (marshmallows) but no one wanted to give up their (marshmallows) because (we were anti-fluorescent lighting. I swear that what I can recall.) So the FBI (blew up the bowling alley) but everybody lived because (we were wearing our anti-bomb belts.)

I hope no one ever tries to analyze my dreams. Except maybe the one from last night- it began with me in an interrogation-style room, sitting in a cold chair. There was the whole one light hanging from a chain, one door, table in front of me, looked straight out of a good cop/bad cop scene. So, the door opens, and in walks (I'm going to say walks because it really moved like a walk) a cube. It's red and yellow and green. No particular order- just those colors, it comes in, walks around me, and then stops in front of the table, which is in front of me. The colors start going randomly, just racing across the faces of the cube, and then they stop, spell hello, and the cube disappears. No poof, just gone. The door opens again, this time in walks a stick man. Exactly like what it sounds- a head with a line for a body, and lines for arms and legs. He comes in, circles me, shakes his head dissaprovingly (he didn't have a face, but it was almost certainly dissaprovingly), turns sideways and disappears. You know how sometimes in your dreams you hear yourself talk? I heard myself think- "What is going on?" There came a third, and final visitor, a skeleton, who, like the cube and stick figure, walked around me, and then stood in front of me. He mouthed (if that's possible for a skeleton- but I could understand) the word goodbye, and then was gone. I stood up, fell on my knees, and screamed "Why?" After that, I stood up, walked out the door and woke up.

When I woke up, I wrote this down, and the entire time I was shaking. This was a really weird dream.

Something is Changing

Okay, so... I'm unsure how to put this, but there have been some HUGE changes I've made in the past couple days- dealing with almost everything in my life. And they're definitely changes for the better. I've become more involved in things I care about, partially thanks to Lexi (who, by the way, is actually cooler in real life than she is online, as hard as that is to believe), and partially thanks to me being more aware of what I really care about. I'm afraid though, I've started routines, I've lost a bit of my spontaneity that i enjoy so much- I actually have a set time to wake up for every day. So long waking up early MWF and late TTH, hello regular sleep cycles... I'm excited, but at the same time, I don't want to lose what has become such a part of me.

I've come back to reading a lot. A lot more than a lot, really, and just anything I can. I've bee reading bits of the Qur'an, the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenenants in Arabic, anything I can find in Arabic, and I'm reading Hugh Nibley's biography by his son, On the Road by Jack Kerouac, Fight Club, and you get the idea, I'm readin a lot all the time. Right now, I've got Approaching Zion open and in between writing this, texting Iggy and reading that, I'm getting confused. But, I'm enjoying it because it doesn't feel like downtime. I like downtime when I plan it, when i'm craving it, but otherwise, I've got such a passion for doing things- anything- that downtime feels like waste. I'm scared that the downtime could be used to be making myself better and I want to be the absolute best.

I know why I've been changing too, it all boils down to one thing, maybe one person, that I can't describe adequately on this blog. I've changed from what I was a year ago, heck... I've been in this change since college started but it's really just come on strong this past week-ish.

Thanks for reading.


*Edit* This is my 50th post. Also, it's the longest, and best, blog I've kept. *Edit*